False Alarms

My darling husband has a bad habit of saying things to people that sound as if we are about to announce that we’re having another baby. Take the other day, for example, when Scotty said to his dad, “Did you hear the big news?”

Now, being the intelligent people that you are, what would you think Scotty was going to announce? Would you assume that Scotty was talking about Tiger Woods being out for the rest of the season due to another knee injury?

Because that’s what the big news was.

Then last night, Scotty did the same thing to my mom over the phone.

“Did Brittany tell you her exciting news? What? She didn’t? Well, I better let her talk to you then. [whisper] Do you want me to tell her or do you want to?”*

That’s when I started shouting in the background, “I’M NOT PREGNANT!”

Being Utah Mormons, we are definitely at (or beyond) the Time to Have Another Child. I’m starting to feel The Pressure, but not The Want, and eventually The Time will come, but for us, it isn’t right now. I’m not rushed to meet some sort of deadline that will put my children such and such months apart in age, and I don’t yet have that longing for another baby.

We’re happy with the way things are right now.

People have been pretty good about it. No one is making me feel like I have to have another baby, but I think deep, down most of our family and friends are expecting it to happen soon just because that’s the norm around here.

Cue Scotty and his tendency to send vibes of false hope pumping through the veins of Second Child’s grandparents.

By the time we really are having another baby, no one will care because Scotty has cried wolf a few too many times.

*I’ll be discussing this news at a future date, but don’t get your hopes up. It’s not quite as exciting as the Tiger Woods thing.

 

Thrifty & Nifty

Last week I got all pumped up about a new blog idea. You know how sometimes you get all excited about some new thing, and you get all wrapped up in it for a few days, but it eventually blows over? I wasn’t sure if my new blog idea was One Of Those Kinda Things, so I tested it out for a while. I set up a commitment-free blog through WordPress and played around with it for a few days. I tinkered with the template and re-did my header a gazillion times. I was good for a few days, only four people found it, but then all of a sudden, I started getting a ton of Google hits, and to my surprise, my new blog actually contained what the people were looking for (as opposed to the newest #1 search term here at Fluent Brittish: teenage boys in underwear, which I’m sure is yielding disappointing results).

I guess now is the time to stop playing around with my new blog and start sharing it because it turned out to be really fun and exciting after all.

The new blog is a place where I can share my fun thrift store, yard sale, and clearance buys. I don’t claim to be an expert, and maybe I have poor taste, but I think it will be fun anyway. I’ll still be here at Fluent Brittish, not talking about tampons, but for those of you who have space in your feed reader for one more blog by Britt, stop by Thrifty & Nifty and say hello (really, say hello, because I haven’t had my first comment yet!)

 

ATTENTION: All People In The Salt Lake Area Who Have Teeth

I need your help.

For the past few years, I’ve had a wonderful dentist. He is kind and has a very friendly staff. Going in for check-ups with Dr. Vernon was so delightful that I always hoped I had a few cavities so I’d have a good excuse to go back.

My world came crashing down earlier this year when Scotty took a new job, and our dental insurance changed. I can’t go to Dr. Vernon anymore.

{moment of silence}

{sniff}

I hate changing dentists. Every time I find a good one, the relationship is short-lived.

Scotty and I were overdue for our check-ups (only by three months) so we started calling around to find a new dentist. We found one nearby that accepts our insurance plan, and yesterday was The Big Day.

A few details:

• The new place played rap music in their office.
• The wallpaper was terrible (worse than the typical dental office).
• The staff was unfriendly and couldn’t speak clearly through their face masks.
• The dentist himself was insulting and rough.
• The dental assistants, while hovering over me, were discussing the latest club shooting, where to party in Mexico, baby daddies, strippers, and alcohol.
• One of the dental assistants was fifteen minutes late to my appointment because he stayed out late the night before drinking and had a hard time getting out of bed (he was very open about it as he tinkered with dental instruments in my mouth).
• I have three cavities.
• They didn’t even give me a free toothbrush.

The whole experience was just bad. I never thought I’d cry over a dentist appointment, but I bawled my eyes out the whole way home. I never want to go back there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need some dental work done, and I need to find someone to do it.

My friends with teeth, can you help me? Is there a dentist in the Salt Lake area that you can recommend? Someone nice who listens to soft hits and gives out free toothbrushes? I’m not extremely picky, I just want a friendly, warm environment, and a dentist who is gentle.

Our insurance is rarely accepted, so there’s only a slight possibility that I can act on your recommendation, but anything will help. I beg you! Share your kind dentist with me! I’ll even drive to Provo if that’s what it takes.

 

The Line

I never know how much I should censor my blog because I never know exactly who’s reading it. I have nothing to hide, but I sometimes wonder what’s appropriate. At what point will people be disappointed in me or shocked by what I write? More so, where is The Line of Too Much Information?

I often think of my blog as a Girls Only place. It’s not that boys aren’t allowed, I just forget that there’s a handful of males out there, too. They are sneaky, these males, and I too easily get caught up in Girl Talk and forget that there are boys out there who shouldn’t be subject to such information.

Maybe that’s what they’re trying to do, these boys. Maybe reading female blogs is the closest they get to attending a Girls’ Night Out or a Slumber Party, and they’ve been waiting for this opportunity since they were twelve.

If these boys were random people from the internet, I wouldn’t mind so much. The ones I’m worried about are the ones I have to face at family parties, BBQs, and [gasp!] church events. Is it appropriate for my brother, my father-in-law, or my best friend’s husband to know the details my menstrual cycle? Please tell me! Because I’ve had this question running through my brain ever since Thanksgiving Dinner 2007 when I announced to my uncle that I was ovulating.

I don’t think I’ve ever crossed The Line on this blog, but I’ve had a few TMI moments. I’m pretty open about fertility and toddler poo (go ahead, type “poo” in the search box. You will be amazed). I also throw ‘boobs’ around quite casually, and I may or may not have accused my neighbors of hiring a prostitute.

But I’ve stayed within limits, right? RIGHT!?!

Since The Line of TMI is so ambiguous, I won’t be able to tell you the awesome story about Nicky finding a tampon, opening it, and dangling it by the string for the cat to play with. I also won’t be able to tell you that the cat had so much fun playing with the tampon that I let him keep it. And, of course, I won’t tell you that I found the tampon under the rug today, eight months later, shredded to bits.

Because I don’t want to cross The Line.

 

Conversations With Scotty: Episode 1

Scotty: You know that book, Red Elephant, Blue Cow?

Britt: You mean, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish?

Scotty: That’s the one!!

————————

Scotty: Cloth diapers? What’s next a muumuu?

Britt: A muumuu? Wha!?!

Scotty: Well, Joyful Mama uses cloth diapers, and she has a muumuu.

Britt: She does not have a muumuu. What are you talking about?

Scotty: You know…. that lady that tells her how to give birth.

Britt: A doula?

Scotty: Yeah. Doula… Muumuu… same thing.

————————-

Scotty: I have to speak in church on Sunday about modesty. I think I’m going to wear a kilt and a wife-beater.

Britt: <eyeroll>

Scotty: Or maybe I can get a bunch of super hero action figures and dress them up, like, this is how you should dress for prom. This is how you should dress for church. This is how you should dress for a birthday party.

Britt: I’d love to see the congregation’s reaction to that.

Scotty: Good. Tomorrow, will you please make me a list of occasions?

 

1987 Must Have Been A Good Year

I have a confession, and I’m only going to say this once so listen closely.

As much as I have tried to fight it and deny it, I am in love with Zac Efron. I feel like this is safe place where I can confess my attraction to a boy who is younger than me because I know that the majority of you will admit that you love him, too (go on, say it. It feels good).

Granted, Zac isn’t that much younger than me, but the fact that I’ve been married for five years, and I have a child adds a good ten years or so to my actual age. It’s all so “Demi and Ashton,” and it seems so wrong.

But girls, look at him!

He’s such a fine hunk of little boy, and a single, childless, skinnier version of me would be all over that.

Now that I’ve got it out of my system, may I also say that Little Jesse McCartney is looking mighty fine as his grown-up self?

Dang! Little Boy got hot! And I’m totally loving his new song (is that ok, or is that “not cool”? BTW, that music video is so wrong! He’s just a little boy!!!)

Phew. I feel much better. Now I can go back to pretending that I love John Cusack.

 

Proof That Teenage Boys Shouldn’t Wear Underwear With Their Swim Trunks

Do you remember the other day when I mentioned that it should be illegal for teenage boys to have underwear hanging out of their swimming shorts?

I feel this way for two reasons:

1. It’s ugly.
2. All I can think about is the possibility that these boys have been wearing the same underwear for weeks at a time and are now swimming within inches of my family.

Oh the contamination that is pool water!

Yesterday, my anti-underwear stance grew significantly when I saw a young man walking around with several inches of whitey-tighteys hanging out of his shorts with (gasp!) poo stains up the back.

Poo stains, people!!!

And this was not a poo stain kind of kid. He was one of the cool kids walking around with all of his cool friend and hitting on chicks. A cool kid who obviously had no idea that he was advertising bowel problems of a previous date (I hope) to the hundreds of people at the water park.

Would you like to sign my petition now?

 

Fathers, Babies, and Country Stars

I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to have a WHOLE LOT OF FUN over the past few days. Last Wednesday, my friend, Leelee, and I went to Abravanel Hall for an acoustic performance by LeAnn Rimes (tickets courtesy of my mother-in-law). Since the performance was at a symphony hall, we had seats way up in the chandeliers, and they were those weird kind where you sit in front and back of each other instead of side by side. I felt like I was sitting in some guy’s lap! Hello!

I’m not a huge LeAnn Rimes fan, but the concert was really cool. LeAnn is beautiful and gracious, and whether I like her music or not doesn’t change the fact that that girl can SING!

Whoa momma!

Also, she has cute, skinny arms, and she wore a super cute green dress and danced around the stage in some rockin’ heels. Gotta give the girl props!

On Friday Scotty and I took Nicky to see Kung Fu Panda. That was the first time we’d been to a movie together as a family. For a kid that won’t sit still, Nicky was amazing. Scotty bought him a movie meal, so he ate popcorn and sipped lemonade like a big boy. His only behavioral problem was that he wouldn’t stop talking. He was a little chatter box through the entire show. We didn’t mind, of course, because we love hearing our little one talk, but there might have been some other people in the theater that didn’t think it was cute.

When we got home from the movie, I found a package at the door containing two new dresses that I ordered online for $5 each. What a steal!

On Saturday morning we went down to Seven Peaks in Provo. All this time that I’ve been hanging out at the water park I had no idea that I could take Nicky on the water slides with me (well, two of them at least). We had a lot of fun, and we ate delicious French fries and grapes. Grease and fruit: my favorite pool-side snacks (you all need to come to Utah and taste the wonderful condiment we call “fry sauce.” Mmmmmm).

I wore my new swimming suit for the second time and had several casualties (if you attend church with me, and you are of the male gender, it’s time to look away now). While modesty was my ultimate goal, it seems that my suit is everything but modest. The twenty-some-odd Seven Peaks employees that saw my bosoms can testify. Scotty thinks it’s hilarious, and he keeps making jokes about me flashing strangers. You can fill in the details on your own.

On Saturday night we attended a Luau Birthday Party in honor of this sweet little girl who turned one:

At the party, I became the victim of several crimes. Firstly this outfit:

Mama of the Birthday Girl insisted that I choose between the floral bikini top and the seashells. I totally rocked the floral look, but I’m kind of wondering what I’d have looked like in the seashells. Then again, I’m no Ariel.

Secondly, I became a prime target for water balloons. Athletes, vegans, and even the elderly were tossing them at me in the most vicious fashions.

I don’t know why these people were so attracted to me. I guess I have that perfect “victim” look. Or maybe I’m easy to throw stuff at. I dunno. We had a lot of fun, though.

Today we enjoyed a relaxing Father’s Day. Nicky was so good at church today, especially for waking up at 6 a.m. and not getting a nap. He went to nursery and had a great time.

After church we met the newest additions to our family, twins Rockwell and Cleora:

They were born on Tuesday. Rockwell was 5 lbs. 11 oz. and Cleo was 5 lbs. 14 oz. The whole family is doing great, and they are beautiful little babies.

Things like this will either make your ovaries start dancing or cause them to shrivel up and die. All I could think about while holding the babies was, “Gosh! I’m glad they belong to someone else.” I forgot that there’s a possibility of babies coming in groups. That puts quite a damper on the future of our family.*

I also had the opportunity to meet my niece, Hailey, for the first time today:

Hailey and Grandpa

She was born on June 4th and seemed really large to me after holding the twins. Her big sister Ali is so excited.

Ali thinks my name is Princess. Isn’t that awesome?

Sometimes I feel so spoiled for being able to do so many fun things in a week’s time. Nicky and I are so thankful to have such a wonderful daddy to watch out for us and take care of us so we can stay home together. I’m so glad that I’m able to be a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and I think I’m not cut out for the job, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Scotty takes good care of us, and we’re happy to call him ‘Dad.’

We love you, Dad!

*I’m kidding. I’ll take babies in whatever quantity God decides to send them in.

 

High On Cake Batter: A Tutorial For The Rest Of Us

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by all of the fantastic cooking and baking tutorials on the internet? I know I do. I see the pictures with pretty matching bowls and fancy decorative desserts, and I know that deep, down, I’m not cut out for it. In my home, if it dirties more than one dish, I’m only digging myself into a huge pit of despair and regret.

Kudos to all of you who make wonderful homemade goodies and share your talents with the internet. I salute you! But now I’m going to help out my friends who fall into the “other” category by sharing a “How-To.” The final result will be a delicious, family-friendly cake that will delight your belly and leave you feeling good about yourself. For this project you will only need a few things:

Tip: I like to stock up on cake mixes and frosting when they are on sale. That way, I always have a yummy dessert on hand. Since cake mixes and frosting are never on sale at the same time, I mix things up a bit by buying cakes and frostings that don’t match each other in flavor.*

Step 1: Prepare your cake as indicated on the box. Allow to cool before transferring to plate.

Tip: I like to force my cake to fall apart. That way, I can store extra frosting in the crevices and surprise myself later.

Step 2: After the cake has cooled, apply a portion of frosting. Don’t forget to fill in the cracks!

Tip: To make my cakes lower in calories, I like to eat a generous portion of the frosting before-hand.

Step 3: Garnish your cake.

This is where we start making our cake “family-friendly.” You may have seen tutorials that add a little something extra to cakes to make them look better in photographs, perhaps some leaves or berries, but I’m all about practicality. I don’t want you to have to run to the store for garnish, so I’m going to give you a few simple ideas of how to improve the look of your cake by using things you already have in your home. Feel free to get creative here, you don’t have to do things the way I do-the possibilities are endless, and don’t be afraid to try something new. You never know, it could be awesome!

After digging through my cupboards, I decided to work with these:

If the goal is to be “family-friendly,” what’s more “friendly” than a sincere salutation?

If you have kids in the house, you’ll definitely want to add something to your cake that appeals to them. I find that adding a little sea life makes everything more kid conscious.

We mustn’t forget the man of the household. Whether he’s a father or a hard-working husband, he’ll appreciate your cake a whole lot more if there are tools involved.

Last, and most importantly, the cake needs to appeal to you. After you’ve spent 35-40 minutes for glass or 40-45 minutes for dark metal or non-stick surfaces, you’ll want to sit back and relax with a plate of something you truly love. I recommend adding a little Matthew Fox to make the cake a little more “mom-friendly.” Matthew Fox adds zero fat to your cake, and you can sweat off a few extra calories while enjoying him.**

And there you have it, my friends. I’ve just shared with you one of my greatest baking secrets. I hope this simple tutorial will bring your family to the table together and make life in the kitchen a little easier.

*Well, it sounded like a good excuse for my failure to coordinate my dessert.

**That totally sounds dirty, but I promise, I meant nothing more than simply looking at him and maybe licking off the frosting.

 

In Which Modesty Causes Pain

There are a few thing you may not know about swim wear in Utah:

1. When you go to a pool in Utah, 75%* of the people there will have shorts or skirts on over their suits. We wear them in the pool and on water slides. We are a modest people.

2. The majority of Utahns currently wear suits from one of these companies.

3. This is the most common swim suit I’ve seen this season:

And it is usually paired with a matching swim skirt.

4. Most of the women who wear bikinis in Utah shouldn’t.

5. Ninety-percent of female swimming suit wearers are pregnant.

6. 87% of teenage boys have underwear hanging out of the top of their swim trunks (I only mention this because it drives me nuts and I want to make it illegal).

Now that you know a little about Utah swim wear, allow me to share with you a story of swim wear woes.

On Monday I bought a new swimming suit. It looks like this:

‘cept I’m not as skinny or even skin-toned as that girl (Boo!) and my bottoms are plain black.

Anyway, I bought a skirt to go over my suit (see#1) as well as pair of back-up shorts (see #1 again). Yesterday I went with my mom, my brother, my brother’s girlfriend, and Nicky down to Seven Peaks, where we all have season passes. I wore my new swim shorts, and all was fine and dandy until the shorts got wet, and I started having “bunching” problems between my legs. After three hours of “bunching” I realized that my thighs were being rubbed raw by the binding on the hem of my shorts. I tried to remove them a few times, but I didn’t feel comfortable (nor did I feel adequately prepared) wearing “bottoms only” so the disaster continued. By the time I went down the last water slide with my brother, I was trying to think of a way to walk bow-legged without looking weird because… ouch. Chaffing is a beast.

When I got home, I investigated my wounds. I had two huge red areas with elevated welts on each thigh. I could hardly stand to wear pants. Oh the pain! Oh the discomfort! Woe unto me and my chaffed thighs.

Out of desperation, Nicky’s diaper rash cream and I had a little one on one time, and I’m thinking I should always stay fully clothed for the better of mankind.

*I like to make up my own statistics.