April 15, 2008
I know that most of society rejoices when the weather warms up, but here at my house, we loathe it. Warm weather means summer is on the way, and to us, summer is synonymous with misery.
May I just take a moment to list off all of the things I hate about summer? Let’s start with the apparel:
- Shorts
- Capris
- Swimming suits
- Sandals
- Flip-flops
- Short sleeves
Summer clothing is my nemesis. I prefer to be fully clothed so I can hide everything I’m ashamed of: my pooch, my hot pink arms, my stretch marks, my leg hair, my armpits, my freakishly long toes, my scars from skin cancer moles, and my hunchback.
And how about all of the things I just don’t want to deal with:
- The heat
- The sweat
- The constant need to lather myself in really stinky SPF 9,537
- Tan lines
- My pasty white skin
- Pools
Yes, pools. I have no attraction to swimming pools. They’re nice to jump in when it’s a gazillion degrees outside and I’m soaked with perspiration, but I just don’t understand what you’re supposed to do in pools. Once I’m in, I’m ready to get out. And then there’s the whole “being wet” factor. I don’t make a very attractive wet person. I have really bad acne scars and a terrible swimming suit body. Why should I subject myself to such things?
Did I mention that I have a hunchback? It’s not really a hunchback, but that’s the closest thing I can think of to describe it. It looks like this:
So summer hairstyles are also on my poop list because they reveal my secret hump!
(I am truly glamorous, no?)
But let’s forget about me for a second and think of my poor child. Summer means hot cars and hot car seats. Summer means bee stings and boiling asphalt.
It’s pure torture!
But back to me…
Summer means weeding and picking smashed peaches out of the grass. It means hoodlums tagging my fence and stealing from my neighbors. It means mucky swamp cooler moisture and no daylight allowed in the house because extra sun = extra heat.
I don’t like you, Summer. My hump and I wouldn’t mind if you just left us alone this year.
Thanks.
April 15, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Ok Firstly, have you considered moving to the Arctic? I hear it’s cold there year round? or maybe just Alaska?
Also: I too have a hump. But I rock it. I mean, maybe it would look even cooler if I like, got a tattoo in it or something.. but it’s just one of those weird genetic F-UP’s that I have learned to live with.
April 15, 2008 at 2:02 pm
(I love the new header.)
You make it sound like you are a hideous monster. But I’ve spent time with you, and YOU ARE SUPER LOVELY. I mean it, you are one hott lady. Granted, I haven’t seen in you in capri’s. But dude, you need to not take yourself so seriously and just accept the fact that you are one fine lady.
And also, I love summer so much. SO MUCH. So please, don’t take it away from me.
April 15, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Your flaws sound so mediocure to mine. I am twice the size you are. I glisten(that’s word I like to use, other than sweat) probably a whole lot more and I’ve got my mommy rolls that are noones business that still haunt me everyday. So don’t worry Britt. As it look on the news and outside this summer looks like it will be a mix up of hot and cold, the way this spring is going. We just have to make the most of it, by SHOPPING in air conditioned buildings. Hey, it sounds good to me.
April 15, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I am secretly sure that people who look good right out of the swimming pool are little mutant aliens. Because I am hideous when I’m wet. I look bald. I also look five. And I look like an old shivering man. All at the same time.
April 15, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I too have a hump. I hate it.
But I figure, I don’t have to look at it, right? So rock on, hump!
April 15, 2008 at 7:41 pm
A) I have seen pictures of you and you are far from hideous.
B) I am a fan of summer… I’m not sure what I’d do if you made it go away. However, you live pretty far away from me so I’m thinking we could work out a deal.
C) Nobody looks good wet. Nobody. That whole scene with Phoebe Cates in “Fast Times in Ridgemont High” has made everyone have unrealistic expectations of wet people. I repeat: No one looks good wet.
April 15, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Okay you are not at all hideous. Shhhhh.
But I’m kind of with you on not liking summer oh-so-much like the rest of the world. I just find it uncomfortably hot. I like pools and swimming and capris but I don’t like bathing suits or sweating while standing in the shade, or the lovely aroma that the sweating causes. I don’t really like extreme temperatures of any type, I’m more of a spring and fall kinda gal.
April 16, 2008 at 8:56 am
I just want spring and fall all year.
And no bathing suits. EVER.