When I was pregnant with Nicky, I did an abundant amount of reading and studying in preparation for parenthood. I wanted to be an “Informed Mom.” I wanted all of my decisions to have some sort of education to back them up. I kept up on my pregnancy, my birth, and all of the options surrounding them. I did mass amounts of product research when I created my gift registry because I wanted the best quality for the best price. I weighed many options and listened to many opinions.
During my research, I stumbled across a very popular blog where the author made baby product recommendations. I figured, Hey! People love this lady, and they do everything she says, so I’m probably safe following her advice. And it was because of this unnamed blogger that I chose the stroller I did. I soon learned, however, that my stroller choice sucked, and that I should have gone with my first choice, the one that wasn’t recommended by a blogger… the one that I wanted.
I have nothing against this blogger, I only mention this to illustrate that what’s right for one person might not be right for another.
Because of all of the reading and studying I did while pregnant, I set myself up for a lot of failure. I felt like I needed to do everything the way the books told me to. I had to have a solution for everything: how to put my baby to bed, how to feed him, how to swaddle him, how to burp him, and how to clean boogers out of his nose. When Nicky came along, I was a mess. I felt like there was absolutely no way that I could ever be a good enough parent. I was obsessive about what I was “supposed” to do, I was overwhelmed, and I felt really bad about myself.
I haven’t talked about it much, but I had post-partum depression for about the first six months of Nick’s life. I wasn’t on the extreme end, but I did have to see a doctor. I was put on anti-depressants, which I took for about two weeks before I decided that I wanted to handle it on my own. The truth is, the anti-depressants changed me too much. They made me feel wonderful- I was outgoing, charismatic, and friendly-and that scared me. I was afraid that the only way I would ever be able to feel that happy was when I was being controlled by a pill, and I wanted to see if I could overcome PPD and experience those emotions naturally.
[Here is where I will tell you that I have nothing against anti-depressants. We each have our right to decide for ourselves how we want to handle issues of depression. I understand that not everyone can overcome depression on their own, and I know that there are varying degrees of depression, but in my own situation, I felt I shouldn't use them].
I stopped taking the pills, and I assessed my circumstances to see what things I could change in my life to help me feel better. I started exercising a bit and developing a support system. I tried to keep myself occupied with serving others (in between diaper changes), and listening to uplifting music. I felt better over time, but there was still something heavy on my shoulders. I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was until one day it dawned on me, I wasn’t using my own intuition. I was relying so heavily on doing what the magazines and books told me to that I’d forgotten that I am a woman, and I have a special gift to aide me in motherhood. I have a natural ability to love and nurture a child. Sure, my intuition is a bit weak, but I still have it, and I have the right to use it. I also remembered that I am a woman of faith, I believe in God, and I believe that I can receive inspiration from Him if I ask for it.
It wasn’t until I took the books back to the library and tossed the magazines in the recycle bin that I finally started feeling good about myself. I slowly crept out of depression, and I started recognizing the qualities I possessed -without the aid of a baby whisperer- that made me a good mom. I stopped second-guessing myself and started relying more on my instincts. I turned more fervently to prayer as a means of parenting advice, and I began to only research that which I felt inspired to.
I learned that being an “Informed Mom” wasn’t necessarily making me a “Good Mom.” I became a Good Mom when I started doing what felt right to me instead of what I felt obligated to do because a self-proclaimed expert wrote a book about it.
For months, I haven’t touched a book or magazine unless, as I mentioned above, I feel inspired to. When Parenting Magazine arrives in the mail each month, I toss it. When I see a book on the shelf at the library that claims it can help me modify my child’s behavior by Friday, I walk past it because I know that the answer I need isn’t there. A few weeks ago I picked up a magazine at the doctor’s office, and as I flipped through it’s pages, I began to feel weak in the knees. There before me was the material that would make me feel like a bad mother, and I wasn’t going to fall into it’s trap.
With all of the media and technology we have today, I think we sometimes forget that we can make decisions based on what we feel in our hearts. I feel a lot of pressure from other moms to be an “Informed Mom,” as if I need to back up everything I do with the name of an author, but when it comes down to it, the parenting decisions I feel best about aren’t based on a book, a magazine article, or a web-site. They are based on my own instincts, the ones that I have been blessed with by my Heavenly Father, and that is the key that allowed me to open the door of sincere happiness in motherhood.
