Fluent Brittish

I’ve put the Sexy Exy Spotlights on hold for most of this week, but there are still several wonderful people you need to meet! Today I’d like to introduce you to Rhiannon and Erin.

Rhiannon can knit and read at the same time. Wha!?! But, Rhi, who holds your knitting needles while you hold your book? Rhi loves football but has no idea what’s going on during games, she just cheers when everyone else does. Rhiannon puts sour cream on everything: fries, salad, soup, meat, you name it. Waffles??

As a child, Rhiannon liked Ramona the Pest by Beverly Cleary. As a teenager, she read V.C. Andrews, to which she now says, “My parents let me read that trash?!?” Her favorite book now is She Got Up Off The Couch by Haven Kimmel.

Rhi heard about the SDBBE from Isabel.

I will not leave unless you bless me.

Genesis 32:26

Erin is one of the original SDBBE participants:

Erin was born on Halloween, and she loves cheese. People should pass out cheese to trick-or-treaters, don’t you think? Erin used to have a really hard time writing in books, but she’s over it now.

As a child, Erin loved Anne of Green Gables. As a teen, The Mists of Avalon. As an adult, all seven Harry Potter books, and she’s not one bit ashamed!!

Erin heard about the SDBBE from Audrey.

On ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

Le Petit Prince

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

The Little Prince

Might I also add that Erin is on of my fellow Lost addicts? Don’t forget to check out my latest Lost post at We Heart TV. After last night’s episode, there is much to discuss!

A few years ago Scotty’s grandma gave us a Journal Jar for Christmas. Inside the jar, there are hundreds of colorful, little, folded papers, each bearing a personal question. The purpose of the Journal Jar is to provide writing prompts for one’s journal or personal history.

The Journal Jar has found a permanent home on the upper shelf of my computer armoir. I glance at it from time to time, feeling sad that it’s been left alone for so long. It only dawned on me yesterday that the Journal Jar is a perfect source for blog topics. How could that jar sit right above my head for so long and only now strike me as useful?

I don’t know how, exactly, I’d like to implement the use of my Journal Jar into my blogging-I could use it as a weekly feature or just wait until I feel like writing but have nothing particular to say-but I am so doing it. I’ve been terrible at keeping a journal since I’ve been married, so this is a great way to work on my personal history (hello ‘copy & paste!’ I love you!) whilst enjoying the commentary and participation that my friends of the internet provide.

Let’s start right now with two questions. Today’s first prompt reads:

In times of trouble, who or what has helped pull you through?

Since I’m religious, I’m always apt to pray whenever I find myself amidst turmoil and strife. Being on my knees and opening my heart to God is my safe place, and even if I don’t get immediate results from prayer, I always feel like I’ve taken a step forward.

I feel like I should elaborate more, but this is the simplest and most pure answer I can give to that question. Prayer is what pulls me through nearly every time. I so strongly believe in the power of prayer that I never leave home without it. Scotty and I pray together at 5:00 a.m. before he leaves for work, and we pray with Nicklaus every night before bed.  We also pray at meal time, and whenever else necessary.

What Christmas CD do you most look forward to hearing?

Nameless Sister-in-Law knows the answer to that one because we celebrate it every year! I am madly in love with the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas Album. I listened to it every Christmas when I was growing up, and it has remained my favorite.  It’s the first CD I listen to when the Christmas Season begins, and it’s the one that I find in my CD player several months later because I just can’t put it away.

How about you? What to you do in times of trouble? And do you love Dolly and Kenny as much as I do?

When I was in high school, I didn’t get asked to dances. This may have been because I was a Jerk Face, or it may have been because I had a boyfriend serving an LDS mission. Either way, the fact remains that the only dances I went to were girls’ choice.

When I was a senior, I was *this close* to getting asked to prom by Tom, who I’d been dating, but a few weeks before Asking Season began, I had to end things with him. I held on to the hope that Tom would ask me to Prom despite our break-up, but he didn’t. During the last few weeks before Prom, our situation got ugly. Tom would hang around girls to make me jealous, and I’d hang around guys with the same intent. I even went so far as to ask a guy to walk down the hall with me during fourth period and hold my hand so Tom would see us from his History class.

That’s Jerk Face Britt for ya!

I soon learned that Tom had asked a gorgeous, little soccer player to prom. I was pissed, and Tom was thriving on the idea that I’d broken up with him and didn’t have a date.

I had a habit of running to Scotty’s brother, Lyle, anytime a guy was mean to me. Lyle would come up with some elaborate scheme that allowed me to get revenge, so as I’d done in times before, I called him to see what he’d recommend.

Lyle had a plan. He would take to prom, and I was told to tell Tom that I’d been asked to prom by a guy named Dusty Rivers. “Dusty” was a childhood friend, a successful football player and bull rider, who moved to Oklahoma a few years back. He’d be visiting Utah the week of prom and was so infatuated with me that he begged me to let him take me to Prom.

Tom soon learned that I’d been asked to prom after all, but when the dance rolled around, a few things didn’t go according to plan.

Lyle picked me up for Prom wearing khaki pants and a green button-down shirt, the kind of ensemble that would stand out like a sore thumb amidst the sea of formal black and white. I’d told him that he didn’t need to worry about renting a tux, and I assumed he’d wear one of his suits, but that’s Lyle for you. He clashed terribly with my navy blue dress, and it was too late to do anything about it, so away we went looking a little too much like Jed and Elly May Clampett.

As a formality, Lyle took me out to dinner before the dance where we had a little run-in with an attractive waitress. Lyle spent our dinner gawking at himself in the mirror directly across from our booth and asking whether I thought said waitress liked him.

As soon as I could distract Lyle long enough to get him out of the restaurant, we headed up to the University of Utah where Prom was being held.

When we arrived at the ballroom we were immediately approached by someone who recognized Lyle. We hadn’t considered that some of the people at Prom might know him. We’d encountered a slight glitch in our plan, and to make matters worse, the administrators of the school seemed to think that Lyle was there to chaperone and kept insisting that he stand by the doors to the courtyard.

To our dismay we had to abandon Operation Dusty Rivers and face the fact that I was at Prom with Scotty’s brother instead of a mysterious man from Oklahoma.

As the night went on, I searched the dance floor for Tom. I wanted to be where he could see me but not talk to me. Lyle and I shared a few awkward dances, but slow dancing just didn’t seem right with my future brother-in-law, so we stole some flowers from the centerpieces, put them in our mouths, and jokingly twirled each other around the floor until Lyle informed me that he’d been fighting off a stomach ache for hours, and things were about to get ugly.

Lyle and I dashed out of the dance and found refuge in the truck. Lyle insisted he couldn’t drive because he might shart, so I took over at the wheel while he lay down on the seat and moaned.

After a painful ride home, the night ended with me bolting out of the vehicle so Lyle could drive himself to the nearest toilet.

The worst of it? Tom didn’t even see me there.

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Do you have a prom story to share? Post it and send the link to Loralee.

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I just found out that most of the pictures I’ve uploaded on this blog have vanished from my posts. Dude! That bites!

In Sunday School yesterday, the teacher asked us about high school. He said, “How many of you can name ten jocks?”

We all raised our hands, of course. That’s an easy one, we all remember the jocks whether we loved or hated them.

The teacher then went on, asking, “How many of you can name ten cheerleaders or dancers?”

Again, simple.

Then the teacher asked, “How many of you can name ten genuinely nice people from high school?”

Uh….

As I thought about it, I could only come up with two or three people I could consider ‘genuinely nice’ from high school. There were plenty of sometimes nice people, but I don’t remember very many of my peers being nice most of the time.

This thought process got me thinking about my own kindness and charity. I can honestly say that there is no way I could make anyone’s list of the Top Ten Nicest People, now or in high school. I might be an alternate choice for the last person on the list if the last person on the list happens to suddenly become mean, but in general, I don’t think that people think of me when they hear the phrase, “Genuinely Nice.” This could very likely be a result of behaviors such as:

• Yelling at other drivers
• Honking my horn at people
• Taking my time vacating parking spots when I know there’s someone waiting for me
• Rolling my eyes at people
• Avoiding eye contact
• Darting in the other direction when I see someone I know at the store
• Dropping my merchandise on the counter and leaving the store because the service sucked
• Hurting other people’s feeling intentionally because they hurt mine
• Becoming defensive when I feel vulnerable
• Critiquing the people around me

My friends, I am a jerk, and this is something I really need to work on. I do a lot of nice things for people; I send Birthday cards, give baby gifts, and offer help when needed, but I too easily screw thing up by bringing out Jerk Face Britt, who cancels out every good deed I do. Take this scenario from yesterday:

I’m still at church. The womens class is filling up. I’m in my seat when a gaggle of women walks in and sits on the back row directly behind me. One of them leans forward and says, “Britt, I feel bad that you’re sitting up there all alone. You should come back here and sit by us.”

Aside: Now we all now, I’ve struggled in this area for a long time. Here, I’m finally being invited to sit with the other women, but in my mind, I have a couple of problems:

1. I don’t like sitting on the back row because the women back there talk through the entire lesson. As a teacher of the class, I know how frustrating it can be when people aren’t paying attention so I don’t want to distracted by conversation when someone else is teaching.
2. I was in the room when these women walked in. It bothers me that they walked in, sat down, and then asked me to get up and move when they could have sat by me in the first place.

My immediate response is, “It’s ok. I’m fine here.”

The lady then says, “But I don’t want you to sit all by yourself, I feel bad!”

I then say (in Jerk Voice), “Really, it’s ok. I sit by myself every week. I’m used to it.”

I am so rude.

I need to get rid of whatever is in me that makes me treat other people so badly, but where do I start? I can go from being Big Pink Fluffy Heart Britt to Jerk Face Britt in a matter of two seconds. I discussed this matter with my Heavenly Father last night during bedtime prayers. We’re going to work on it.

Nicklaus is still a wee bit sick. He’s much improved but still coughy, runny, and wheezy enough that we’re sticking around the house and reading lots of books and watching lots of TV. As a result of this week’s activities, I have a few things to say:

• There’s a segment on Curious George where some child says, “George is a monkey so he can do things that you can’t do,” followed by images of children doing stuff. I don’t get this. For one, why is this PBS show telling children that there are things they are incapable of doing? Shouldn’t PBS be promoting a follow-your-dreams kind of lifestyle? Don’t be telling us that there are things we can’t do just because we’re not monkeys! I’ve never seen George do something that I can’t do!! Secondly, the statement has nothing to do with what follows it. The show practically tells us we suck because we aren’t monkeys and then we’re stuck watching a bunch of kids do stuff that we really can do. I don’t get it.
• I’m kind of miffed that our local station doesn’t air Bob the Builder at 2:30 anymore. What am I supposed to watch after It’s a Big, Big World?
• I’m so over American Idol, and yet, I’m still watching it. But let’s talk about this Josiah kid that didn’t make the top 24. His story goes something like this, “I’m Josiah. My mom has terminal cancer. I dropped out of high school, and my mom was sad because she wanted me to go to college, but she still supports me. I live in my car. I want to prove that I can make something of myself.” So Josiah appears on Ellen the other day, and she gives him a bunch of musical recording equipment to get him started. I was screaming at the TV the entire time, “If you want to make something of yourself, GO.BACK.TO.SCHOOL!!!” Am I the only one that thinks this kid needs a reality check? His poor mother is dying of cancer, and she deserves to see him get an education. Let’s not reward Josiah for making poor choices. Let’s encourage him to get a diploma!
• Yesterday I watched Oprah for the first time in a while. I used to love watching Oprah every afternoon, but I was  eventually turned away by her constant focus on domestic violence and other difficult topics. Yeah, I want the bastards thrown in jail as much as the next girl does, but I’d really rather watch something positive and uplifting. Anyway, yesterday, Oprah’s show did makeovers on some frumpy women, and some guy who wore really ugly white pants listed off some fashion tips. They were all, “You can get this whole outfit for cheap, cheap!” and then they showed some of the price tags, and I disagreed. $238 for an outfit? No way, not me! I’m a po girl! Make it $50, and I’m in…. maybe. So now I’m wondering, do you do what Oprah tells you to? If she says wear curvy jeans, do you? If she says read a book, do you? She’s a pretty powerful woman, you know.
• Did you see Matthew Fox on Live with Regis and Kelly? Oh my heck! He’s gorgeous! Kind of boring, but a fine hunk of male meat nevertheless.
• May I admit that I watch The View? Oh yes, it’s true. Whoopi is much better than Rosie, and I love Sherri Shepherd on the show. I think she’s a doll. Anyway, today, they had two of the three women from the movie Bonneville, and when the ladies walked out, Barbara Walters made a joke about Kathy Bates not being able to come because they couldn’t fit her on the couch. What Barbara meant was that there were too many women on the couch already, but it sounded like a stab at Kathy Bates’ larger stature. Ooooooo! Scandalous! Terry O’Quinn was on the other day, and he gave us zero information about Lost. Thanks for nothing, Terry!
• Scotty and I watched The Fountain the other day. Has anyone seen this film? Did you say HUH?!? all the way through? Ethan Suplee makes a much better Randy than a Manny.

Thank Heaven for Thursdays! I’ll be waiting for you at 8:00, Matthew!

Meet Anna S. from Run with the Fishes.

Anna has three children, one husband, and one dog. She plays the trumpet very well, and like Sun,* she enjoys gardening and can’t wait to plant some seeds in the coming weeks.

As a child, Anna liked Roald Dahl, The Bobbsey Twins, and Nancy Drew. As a teenager, she enjoyed the works of Tamora Pierce, Stephen King, and Dean Koontz. As an adult, Anna lends her heart to writers like Amy Tan, Jeffery Archer, and George R. R. Marting (but really, she likes anything).

Anna heard about the SDBBE from Isabel.

Dear little baby Jesus, who’s sittin’ in his crib watchin’ the Baby Einstein videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors…

-Ricky Bobby, Talledega Nights

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Have you met Ali from Cheaper Than Therapy?

Ali has a geographic tongue (huh?) She is working her dream job as an editor and writer at a children’s book publisher. Ali loves cookie dough and may or may not eat it every day.

Ali loved the heck out of Dirty Feet by Steven Kroll as a child. Now her favorite book is Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger.

Ali heard about the SDBBE from Isabel.

I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world.

-Walt Whitman

*I give extra credit points for references to Lost.

On my kitchen table, you will find a stack of books I need to read ASAP. I’ve gotten myself in a bit deep. One book is due at the library on Tuesday. One was borrowed from my dad who borrowed it from my Grandma who doesn’t know I have it. It’s an autographed copy, and I hope to get it out of my possession quickly so I don’t have to be responsible for it. Another one is from the SDBBE, and any day now, I should be receiving a second SDBBE selection since I’m participating in two groups this round.

I have a lot of work to do. In the meantime, meet Amberly, also known as ‘Nameless Sister-in-Law.’

Amberly became my NSIL on my old blog when I posted something about “my sister-in-law who shall remain nameless.” From that point on, Amberly started leaving comments as “Nameless Sister-in-Law,” and the name stuck. Shortly after becoming NSIL, Amberly started her own blog, Sardonic Secrets. Amber is a news junkie who works the graveyard shift at the Police Department and has been proudly single for seven years.

As a child, Amberly loved the Boxcar Children. He favorite book now is Reviving Ophelia. Teen Amberly didn’t read much as she as busy doing other things…

Amberly heard about the SDBBE from me.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible.  There is passion, enmity, worship, and love, but no friendship.

-Oscar Wilde

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I am also honored to introduce Carrisa, whom I have dubbed the Queen of the Sexy Exies because she designed the badge that many of you have displayed on your sidebars.

Carrisa has a fear of falling down the stairs and knocking her teeth out. Two of her talents include sticking her fist in her mouth and singing (not at the same time).

Lil Carrisa was also a fan of The Boxcar Children (didn’t we all long to live in a boxcar after reading those books?) Teen Carrisa loved anything by Christopher Pike while Adult Carrisa loves anything by Jane Green. Adult Carrisa also holds a special place in her heart for Jude Devereux’s A Knight in Shining Armor and Wishes (although she hasn’t read any of her books since she was 19).  Carrisa loves her some chick lit.

Carrisa heard about the SDBBE from Hottie Isabel.

Dude, if all the nachos stick together, that’s one nacho.*

-Jack Black, Saving Silverman

*For the record, I agree.

Nicklaus is still sick. We’re on day 5 with the ear infection thing.

Can I just say that I had no idea?

I didn’t know ear infections are this bad. Nick has done nothing but sit in my lap and cry for the past three days. Today he’s a little better, but yesterday he started coughing again (we just got over RSV last week), and last night he threw up, so while the ear infections is starting to clear up, he’s coming down with something else. Again.

I kid you not, Nicklaus has been sick with one thing after another for six weeks straight.

I’m fed up. I want spring.

On a better note, Nick has been developing some vocabulary words lately, which is great news because his doctor wanted me to make sure he learned at least three words by his fifteen-month appointment (apparently having a vocabulary is a good sign that his head is ok).

Nick now says:

Juice (’Jisssss’)

Kitty (’Keeee’)

Mom (’Mummmm’)

Book (’Booooaaa’)

Ball (’Booooaaa’)

and

Brock (’Booooaaa’)*

Sometimes he will repeat words like ’shoe’ and ‘this,’ and today when his grandma gave him his Valentine, Nick pulled out the bag of cookies and said, “Jesus.”

I’m so proud!

*His middle name

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Friends of Lost, be sure to check out my latest post at We Heart TV.

Would you like a random fact about the Sexy Exies? There are two Annas, an Aimee, an Amy, a Rhi, and a Ree.

Speaking of Aimee, here she is:

Aimee blogs at Old Guys Dig Me. She is obsessed with board games but hardly ever gets to play them (me, too, Aimee). She loves making lists and lining out her accomplishments. Aimee likes all animals more than she likes most people.

Note to self: Start peeing on fire hydrants and growling like a lion so Aimee will like you.

As a child, Aimee enjoyed The Velveteen Rabbit and Are You My Mother. As a teenager, she loved VC Andrews. As an adult, one of Aimee’s all-time favorite book sis The Virgin Suicides.

Aimee heard about the SDBBE from Audrey.

A good heart will help you to a bonny face, my lad, and a bad one will turn the bonniest into something worse than ugly.

-Emily Bronte

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If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you probably know Audrey already. She’s made a few appearances around here. If you don’t know Audrey, let me tell you a little bit about her:

Bad Tim!

This is just a wild guess, but I think Audrey loves Sangria. She is the proud new owner of Smalls, an adorable little puppy thing. Audrey spent the summer of 2004 studying abroad in Spain (did you really “study,” Audrey?), and she lurrrrrves her some burritos.

As a child, Audrey loved Matilda by Roald Dahl. She fell in love with Good Omens as a teenager, and it is still one of her favorite books. She also adores The Bone People.

Audrey heard about the SDBBE from moi!

Please don’t throw garbage at me.

-Pam Beasley, The Office

About two weeks ago, I was chatting online with Erika. We were talking about sick kids, and she said that according to her babysitter, Sherman’s nose doesn’t run as frequently as the other children’s do. As the conversation went on, I informed Erika that Nicklaus has never had an ear infection.

We both figured we’d just jinxed ourselves by talking about these things.  I don’t know how Sherman’s nose is doing now, but Nicky’s ears? Not so good. He’s battling his first ear infection, “The worse I’ve seen this year. He’s really in pain,”says the random stranger Doctor from Urgent Care.

Yeah, I know he’s in pain, sir. He won’t even let me put a shirt on him.

My heart is full of anger today due to medical issues. I’ve been getting the run around from the insurance company, Scotty’s former employer, and the doctor’s office. I was turned away from an Express Care clinic and ended up forking out over two hundred dollars for Nick to be seen at Urgent Care.

I’m pissed.

So to spare you my angry thoughts, let’s take a look at the Google searches that have brought traffic to my blog lately:

Bald Eyelid Cats- Huh?

Light Switches- This is the number one search term (besides ‘Fluent Brittish’) that brings people to my blog. Do I really talk about light switches that much? I’m speechless.

I get bored on weekends. Also: Fun stuff to do when you are bored, 100 things to do on the weekend, Things to do when bored on a weekend, and Things to do with three bored people. I guess there are a lot of bored, lonely people out there.

Am I witty test- No. You’re not witty. Sorry.

Perverted acronyms- MILF.

Nothing on TV- That’s right because there’s a writers strike. Maybe you should Google ‘something on TV’ instead.

I’m cooler online- I bet that was Brad Paisley trying to find my blog. Silly Brad! I’m right here!

Eight week old hasn’t pooped in twenty-four hours- Just be thankful. That’s one less day you spent wiping the butt of another human being.

Inflatable clothes- Well, Audrey, I guess there is an interest in inflatable clothing afterall.

She felt me up- Really? She felt me up, too! I think she ought to keep her hands to herself.

His circumcision- as opposed to her circumcision?

And now for the whiskey montage, which, might actually outdo the light switch thing:

Crown Royal whiskey sucks

Alcohol burns throat

Why do people drink Crown Royal

First time whiskey

Drink whiskey tell lies

Whiskey women

Whiskey and Coke

Crown Royal Whiskey (15x)

Whiskey Mormons 

Sister drinks whiskey

Drunk whiskey

Throat burns when drinking whiskey

Crown Royal samples

Whiskey expiration date 

I guess my audience consists mostly of lonely people and alcoholics. I just hope they all found what they were looking for.