Fluent Brittish

A few Sundays ago, I was sitting on the toilet… wait a sec… that sounds weird. Let me start over.

A few Sundays ago, I was fully dressed sitting on the toilet with the lid down. My family was desperately trying to get ready for church; Scotty was in the shower, and I was putting on make-up when Nicklaus started throwing a fit. Nick has been very prone to tantrums lately with the dramatic flailing of limbs and tugging of my pants. To put it lightly, he’s driving us a bit nuts. When Nicklaus started this particular tantrum, I was in the middle of curling my eyelashes, and not wanting to delay the application of mascara, I simply picked Nick up and put him in my lap while continuing to hold the eyelash curler.

I should have known better because Nicklaus has been fascinated with my eyelash curler since he was three months old. It has been a source of amusement for him during times when I am desperate to get ready and get out the door, and I’ll never be able to explain why I thought it might be safe to hold a toddler whilst using it. When Nick saw the curler, he grabbed at it, my eyelashes still fully locked in, and ripped it from my hand.

I felt pain enough to know that damage had been done. As I retrieved the eyelash curler from Nicky’s grasp, I opened it to observe a large cluster of eyelashes falling in slow motion to the bathroom floor. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked in the mirror and discovered that the outer half of my upper, left eyelid was bald… just in time for church.

A few months ago I watched a re-run of Beakman’s World in which Beakman discussed the rate at which eyelashes grow. I don’t remember the exact facts (nor can I find them online in a reasonable amount of time due to my dial-up internet), but he said something about eyelash follicles only regrowing hair every three years or so.  So basically, I must rely on the follicles that shed hairs three years ago to replenish my eyelid. I sure hope I lost a lot of eyelashes three years ago.

I thought I was going to have to invest in some falsies, but fortunately, my half-bald eyelid doesn’t stand out too bad once my make-up is applied. I may even have a hair or two grown back in already, yay! If all else fails, Nicky will just have to donate his long, perfectly curled eyelashes for a transplant:

Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #10: Which shirt should I wear in honor of the LOST Season 4 premier tomorrow night?

-or-

Option B-My latest t-shirt idea:*

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My answer to Poll Question #9: Season 3 finale aside, are you rooting for Jack and Kate?

No way. I want Jack to remain single so I still have a shot [Britt is laughing at how stupid this sounds, and yet, she can't deny it]. I don’t stand a chance against Kate if she nabs Jack, but then again, Jack doesn’t stand a chance against Scotty, so I guess I’ll just have to break his heart after all.

*All in good fun, my Squirrel friend. We all know Jack is yours.

As of 3:00 p.m:

• opened his bedroom door
• refused to pick him up while I was scrubbing the kitchen sink with bleach
• took the puzzle piece out of the toilet
• took the Arthur DVD out of the dishwasher
• fed him an apple
• put socks on him
• put him in a shopping cart
• put him in his car seat
• wouldn’t let him play with the phone
• wouldn’t let him play in the nightstand drawer
• wouldn’t let him play with a bottle of Tylenol
• wouldn’t let him push the blue button on the computer
• changed his diaper
• washed his face
• closed the toilet lid
• wouldn’t let him eat cat food or play in the cat’s water

I’m such a mean mom!
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Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #9: Season 3 finale aside, are you rooting for Jack and Kate?

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My answer to Poll Question #8: Which LOST character are you?

Apparently I’m Hurley. I would disagree, but the internet doesn’t lie.

There’s a rule here at Fluent Brittish: I’m allowed to like and dislike whoever I want, but everyone must like me.

In all aspects of my life, I have an overwhelming desire to be liked. I’ll bet most of you probably feel the same way. If I think someone doesn’t like me, I can’t just simply let it go. I have to dwell on it and try to impress that person, and most times, I totally over-do it and give them all the more reason to NOT.LIKE.ME. (this is where you chime in and say things like, “Oh, how could anyone not like Britt? She’s so suave and [insert positive adjective of your choice here]“).

It’s true, though. Some people don’t like me. Ok, maybe my terminology isn’t entirely correct because I’m sure if you asked those people if they “like” me, most of them will say yes. Perhaps what I really want is for everyone to enjoy my company enough that they want to spend more time with me. Liking me isn’t good enough. I need loyalty and friendship.

At this point, you may be asking yourself why I’m bringing this up; obviously something happened to turn my mind toward this subject. Here it is:

The Characters:

• Brenda, the Stake Womens Sports Director who runs marathons
• Britt, the Stake Womens Sports Specialist who blogs (you may have heard of her)
• Ellie, the other Stake Womens Sports Specialist who is a personal trainer

The Setting:

It’s Friday night, and I’ve been invited to hang out with my church basketball team and watch the Jazz game. The host of the event is the Stake Sports Director, and I am the only guest. Ellie is running late, and everyone else backed out. There is pizza.

I spend two hours alone with Brenda who shows very little enthusiasm at having to share her evening with me. I try to engage her in fascinating conversation. I ask her about herself and her family. I try to find something, anything that we can talk about that will spark some excitement in her. I compliment her home and her children. I pretend to be interested in the basketball game.

Nothing.

Ellie shows up. I hope that she’s the missing link in our fun evening. Brenda is so happy to see Ellie. Brenda and Ellie talk about high school. Brenda and Ellie talk about basketball. Brenda and Ellie talk about the Super Bowl. Brenda and Ellie talk about flaxseed oil (huh?).

I go home. The end.

May I have a junior high school moment? Thank you. Why don’t the other girls like me? Why did they leave me out? It’s SO.NOT.FAIR. I was so nice to them. Why won’t they be my friends?

OK. I’m done, but now can I talk about this from an adult perspective? I think I’ve reached a maturity level where I’m able to set differences aside and just be friends with people. I really enjoy getting to know people, and even though I don’t always want to be Best Friends Forever, I still enjoy a good conversation once in a while. I don’t understand why I wasn’t able to achieve this with Brenda and Ellie. They’re older than me, and they’re really into sports. Knowing this, I gave them all the opportunity in the world to share a bit of their lives with me, and they just didn’t want to. Nor did they bother to learn anything about me.

I know.

I’m totally over-analyzing the whole thing.

But that’s that little part of my personality that I’m talking about, the part that wants to be liked.

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Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #8: Which LOST character are you? (take the quiz here)

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My answer to Poll Question #7: Did you like Season 3’s introduction of the “Others” or were you upset by the focus on new characters?

I didn’t start watching LOST until the third season, so I didn’t know any of the characters period. It didn’t bother me at all that we were being introduced to the “Others,” but I can see why it would have bothered the people who’d been watching from day one.  True, we now have even more questions, but I find the “Others” to be fascinating, so I’m fine with it.

… or four days and counting depending on your countdown preferences, but either way, this slowly dying feature ends Wednesday.

Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #7: Did you like Season 3’s introduction of the “Others” or were you upset by the focus on new characters?

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My answer to Poll Question #6: Whose flashbacks do you enjoy the most?

Ben’s. I’m not fond of the guy, that’s for sure, but his story is so interesting.

Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #6: Whose flashbacks do you enjoy the most?

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My answer to Poll Question #5: How are you watching the premier? With friends? On TiVo three days later? Do tell!

I’m watching on my comfy couches in my basement sans Ti-Vo. Scotty will be there as well as whoever else would like to be.

Last night Scotty and I went to the Brad Paisley concert, and can I just say that I’d forgotten how much fun country music concerts are? IT.WAS.AWESOME!! The show opened with Chuck Wicks (click it. You will not be disappointed, that boy is hott!) whom I’d never heard of until yesterday. Very easy on the eyes, so I spent the majority of his performance watching him through binoculars. His music? Meh. But I can’t say I wasn’t pleased anyway (wink, wink).

Mr. Wicks was followed by Rodney Atkins. Now this guy I’d heard of, but I always imagined he was some old guy with a cowboy hat and big bushy beard. Pardon me, Rodney, you are not that man at all! Rodney was so endearing, so humble, and also not too bad on the eyes. His performance was FANTASTIC. I could have walked away after Rodney and been completely satisfied, but the show only got better.

Brad Paisley. Oh my gosh! No words can describe how awesome he is. Brad played his guitar all night long, and he played it for real. His fingers were going a mile a minute, and he sounded so cool. He’s not one of those performers that strums a guitar for looks. This guy was jamming, and he had the funkiest patterns on his guitars. Loved ‘em. From the moment he stepped on stage, the show was excellent. He didn’t waste time with chit-chat like a lot of performers do (hello, Rascal Flatts, I’m talking to you), it was all about the music. No “Bla bla bla, buy my album…” Just good, old Brad Paisley hits.

During some of his songs, he had his music videos playing on the big screen featuring celebrities like Jason Alexander, Jerry Springer, Trista Rhen, and Maureen McCormick, and during his song, When I Get Where I’m Going, there was a photo montage of  musicians, actors, athletes, and the like who have passed away in recent years. Johnny and June Cash, John Ritter, and yes, even Heath Ledger (chills). It was a beautiful tribute. My favorite song? Ticks. Hands down.

I loved that Brad Paisley was fun and genuine. A lot of performers lose those characteristics as they get bigger in the business, so I hope that he’s able to maintain that persona so I can enjoy his concert just as much next time (I can’t wait. I’m almost considering flying to another state just to see him again).

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Have any of you gotten your SDBBE mail yet?

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Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #5: How are you watching the premier? With friends? On TiVo three days later? Do tell!

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My answer to Poll Question #4: Who do you think was in the casket in the Season 3 finale?

When I first watched the finale, my immediate thought was Ben. It was obviously someone from the island, and when Jack went to the funeral home, and the man asked him if he was friend or family, he replied, “Neither,” leading us to believe that it was someone Jack wasn’t particularly fond of. Ben. Right? But now, I’m less confident in my assumption because of this statement by Matthew Fox in his interview with Entertainment Weekly:

Jack and the other people, upon getting back to the world, are not being honest with the world. They are covering up [something]. That’s an agreement that they’ve all reached. And it’s a weird, gross little bond that they have with each other. They don’t see each other much, but when they see each other, it’s incredibly awkward. And this lie — you can cut it with a knife amongst them.

So it seems that none of them are exactly ‘friends’ once they get off the island, and they’ve all agreed to live a lie, meaning they aren’t telling anyone what really happened. So maybe that awkward tension with the funeral isn’t because it’s Ben in the casket. It could be anyone.

(but for now I’m saying Ben, but with less confidence than eight months ago).

A few years ago, I worked with the youth in my church. There was a sixteen-year-old in my group named Hannah. Fast-forward to 2008. Hannah is nineteen and attends cosmetology school. Hannah is now dating one of my best friends, Jase.

It’s weird.

Last Sunday Hannah walked into church with Jase attached to her arm. That was the first time Scotty and I had seen them together. Since I hadn’t seen Jase for a while, I was thrilled that he came to our church. We greeted each other excitedly, and I made fun of him for being smart (he’s graduating from the University of Utah after only two semesters. Nerd).

When Scott and I went to Sunday School, there were two open seats next to Jase and Hannah, so we sat together and swapped stories about each other. I told Hannah about working with Jase at the local dairy, how we got caught playing Scrabble on the job, and how I talked Jase into drinking nacho cheese through a straw. I showed Hannah my Book of Mormon and where Jase’s friend, Tom, had drawn football plays in it (affectionately named the “Alma 10:14″ and the “Mormon Mary”).

It was at the mention of Tom that Jase decided to tell Hannah my embarrassing dating history. “I’m the only one in my group of friends that Brittany hasn’t kissed,” he said.

As Hannah’s former church leader, I wasn’t delighted at the revelation, but it’s true. The summer after my senior year of high school, I was constantly hanging out with Jase and three of his friends, and I kissed most of them. The first was Tom, to whom a kiss was promised if he could go one whole week without cussing. The next was Mike who took me to see a dragon movie and kissed me good-bye on the doorstep. The third was Tyler whom I had to stop kissing because he told his friends that I used “too much tongue” (I never used tongue with Tyler, the big, fat liar).

Knowing that I went through 3/4 of a group of guys in one summer makes me sound a little easy, but I promise, I wasn’t. I can count all the guys I’ve kissed on one hand. That’s right! Five.

My first ‘real’ kiss was when I was twelve years old with a guy I’ll call ‘Tom The First’ (2 out of 5 were named Tom, isn’t that interesting?) Tom the First and I went to elementary school together. He was in love with me from day one, but I couldn’t stand the kid. One day at recess he asked me if I was going to summer camp. He told me if I was, he would sneak into my bed in the middle of the night. I happened to be holding a jump rope, and my immediate reaction involved whipping TTF across the face giving him two black eyes. Jump Rope Defense 101: A girl’s gotta know how to save herself from perverts (he wasn’t the first boy I’d whipped. Travis from second grade took a blow across the forearm. It’s a wonder I was allowed jump rope access after that). A year later TTF moved to Park City, but I kept seeing him from time to time because he was my best friend’s cousin. In seventh grade, I fell for him. We did the long-distance relationship thing, which was really nothing other than swapping school photos and talking on the phone once. One weekend while he was staying in town we spent a day together. We ate lunch at Arby’s and paid for it in pocket change then we went to TTF’s grandma’s house where he kissed me in the basement. A few days later, TTF had my best friend break up with me for him over the phone. I was really disappointed that I’d wasted my first kiss on him. I remember confessing to my cousin that I’d kissed a boy. She asked me what it was like, and I told her it was just like kissing a marshmallow.

My second kiss was Scotty (you can read more about that here). His kisses were a lot less marshmallowy, and I was glad. While Scotty was in South Carolina, I made my way through Jase’s friends, but when Scotty came back that was that. I never kissed another guy again.

I explained my circumstances to Hannah who agreed that awarding a boy with kisses for keeping his language clean was a good idea. Hannah also agreed to continue respecting me as her former church leader. Phew!

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Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #4: Who do you think was in the casket in the Season 3 finale?

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My answer Poll Question #3: Do you think Kate it pregnant?

I don’t think she is. Juliet claims that men have five times the sperm count on the island. We already know that Sawyer has fathered at least one child, so he’s definitely capable, but like I said, I don’t think that Kate is pregnant. I hope she is , though, because that will result in some crazy twists, and me likey.

When Nicklaus was born I dreaded the day that he wouldn’t be my baby anymore. I just wanted my little, dark-haired newborn, and I wanted him to stay that way forever. Nine-month-olds used to freak me out because I never wanted Nicky to be that big. Then eighteen-month-olds started freaking me out because I didn’t want Nicky to be that big. Now that Nick has reached that one-year-old milestone, I’ve decided to just go ahead and let him be a big boy as long as he never, ever becomes a teenager (never, ever).

I mean it.

Now that the first year of parenthood has passed, I realize that I prefer One-Year-Old Nicky to Newborn Nicky. Nicklaus has become so much fun in the last six months. He pulls the funniest faces, and he makes us laugh so hard. He interacts with other children, and on a good day, he entertains himself for five minutes while I read. Nick is walking now, and while most people warned me that walking babies are nothing but trouble, for me it has been such a blessing. Nick has been much better behaved since he started walking consistently. He’s perfectly content carrying a spoon around the house while I do dishes, and he loves to follow the cat up and down the stairs. I know the bad days are just around the corner, but for now, while walking is new to him, it is glorious. Yesterday for the first time ever I was able to set him down on the floor at the store, and he held my finger and walked with me. Such a relief from the stroller fits he’s famous for.

I realize that I no longer have a baby. I have a little boy now, and even though he’s picking up on all of the naughty tid-bits of ‘manhood’ (laughing when he burps, trying to grab himself when I change his diaper, eating dirt, farting in Sunday School, hogging the remote control), I sure love him.

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Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #3: Do you think Kate it pregnant?

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My answer to Poll Question #2: Love him or hate him:

1. Sawyer-I have a love/hate relationship with Sawyer. I love those moments when he shows his soft side, like the time Hurley tricked him into being nice by telling him that the survivors were going to banish him (that was classic-I love Hurley). Sawyer has potential, but it seems that every time he does something to boost his morale, he more than makes up for it by being a douche. As far as his looks go, he’s not my type, but I have swooned over his dimples on occasion. You have to admit they’re nice dimples.

2. Sayid-I’m pretty indifferent toward Sayid. I don’t love him, and I don’t hate him. If he were to disappear from the show I wouldn’t’ miss him. May I say, though, that he and Shannon made the weirdest couple ever?

3. Locke-He bugs me. I don’t understand his role in the show. It seems like he’s supposed to be a leader or role model of sorts, but he’s so sure of himself and usually ends up being wrong. He was wrong about the button in the hatch, he let Ben manipulate him into blowing up the submarine, and he was wrong about Jacob being ‘made up.’ I don’t understand his ‘relationship’ with the island, and I certainly don’t like him being as secretive as he was at the end of last season. I can’t put a finger on it, but he reminds me of my dad.

4. Jin-He’s alright. I think most of his flaws are a result of his employment by Sun’s father, so I really don’t blame him for being an on-again/off-again dirtbag. I’m really happy that the baby is his, but just like Sayid, I won’t miss him if he goes away.

There are some things you just don’t talk about on a blog. Each of us has our own opinion and right to choose what those things are. Some choose not to talk about their spouses or kids, and some choose not to discuss their employment. Some keep their love lives private while others are more ashamed of what goes on behind the bathroom door than in the bedroom. The standard is different from blogger to blogger, and each of us has our own reasons for avoiding certain topics.

One thing I’ve never discussed on my blog is my taste in music. Think about it. You have no idea what I listen to, do you? While music isn’t on my list of things-I-absolutely-do-not-want-to-bring-up, it remains a touchy subject with me. When someone asks what kind of music I like, I don’t know what to say. My heart doesn’t particularly belong to any one genre of music. I don’t really have any favorite bands or singers.

I’m a music loser.

This Thursday, Scotty and I are going to a concert. The artist (whom I’ll get to in a moment) isn’t my favorite, but I like him. I’m just excited to go out on a date with my husband. As the event moves closer, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concerts and performances I’ve been to in my life. I’m not a big concert goer, since I don’t handle crowds well (see #32), and my list isn’t very impressive. Here are the performers I’ve seen in concert:

• Bowzer and the Stingrays (yes, that’s Bowzer from Sha-Na-Na featured on Grease. What!?! You have no idea what I’m talking about??)
• Beach Boys
• Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
• Martina McBride
• NSYNC (holy crap! I just realized I’ve seen Justin Timberlake in person. Oh my sweats!)
• Rascal Flatts (thrice)
• Toby Keith
• Dixie Chicks
• Blake Shelton
• Jason Aldean
• Keith Anderson
• Mormon Tabernacle Choir (they count)
• SheDaisy (twice)

I’m cheating a bit because I’m including opening acts, guest appearances, and free shows. Do you see a commonality among the people I’ve seen in concert? Perhaps I should rephrase that question. Do you even know who half of these people are? Eight of them are country singers or bands. Do you know what that means? My favorite type of music must be country.

Gasp!

OK. I admit it. I like country music. I like it a lot, but I never talk about it on my blog because I’m afraid that I’ll be stereo-typed, and much like y’all aren’t watching LOST, y’all probably aren’t listening to country music either.

Brad Paisley and I will miss you on Thursday.

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Ten Days of LOST Poll Question #2: Love him or hate him:

1. Sawyer

2. Sayid

3. Locke

4. Jin

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My answer to Poll Question 1: What are your feelings about Juliet?

Throughout season 3, Juliet was too ‘in between’ for my liking. She kept going back and forth from being helpful to being manipulative. She kept maintaining loyalty to Ben out of fear and false promises that he would let her go home. I think that Juliet will be more trustworthy in the coming season since she has now fully betrayed Ben, and she may prove to be likable, but I don’t want her kissing Jack ever again.